on finding my sunflowers

on my quest to live a more healthier life where i'm not always tired, i decided to take up running recently. i also see its the new thing amongst all dubai people to participate... the spartan race, the Nike run, the colour run, the electric run, the bubble run. running is really the cool thing to do in good old dubs once the temperature has hit such remarkable cool numbers.

rather than give you a blurb that all newbie health fanatics do whence they have started a new sport, such as showing you the distance they have run on their running app on their social media, or take pictures of their shoes/vegan cookies,  i will spare you from the melodrama, and tell you something else that this age-old sport have given to this old soul - the power of introspection.

i do believe introspection is something that someone with ADD like me needed. 

a few days ago, i got an epiphany that i felt have been remiss from my life for a while now. i was straightening my hair (sometimes i like to clean up), and i realized that hey, i think some people like me. as a person. because someone randomly invited me to a party. it was a friday night. i haven't gone to one of those things in a while. and then i started to think, well, hey, i do think *most* people like me. i'm not a bad cat. a little eccentric maybe, but in general, i'm alright yeah? i like to give, so maybe this is something good coming back at me. in fact, hey, do i like to give? am i a good giver? in life? because you know, lately i haven't been. in fact, lately, i've been selfish. its a fine balance, this living thing. i'm either struggling at being a doormat, or either struggling in standing up for myself. and since i'm pretty bad at balancing my life, i always forsake one for the other. i then started to think, i really have not been that much of a good giver. in fact i've just been having fun. not fun fun like party party fun, but fun fun as in reclaiming my life back, as in doing things that i like to do like outdoor stuff, or being healthy for myself without worrying about what people will say when it comes to being a pescetarian or forsaking vices and giving them the stiff upper lip, and this comes at a cost...

the cost of not seeing family, not  giving friends the attention, not really hanging out with parents when they're visiting... and then i realized, man.. even after i do all this, why are they still being nice to me? is it really because they're obligated to me, or because i bring it out? then i started thinking about said family, about said friends, about said parents... how life is trickling us by. the kids in my family, they're growing up. every few months, there's a birthday to celebrate. and once upon a time, i used to just whip out my camera and snap away my little bundles of joy. and then after a while i stopped. why? well, first a hobby became a job became a chore. and second, i was never in the pictures. that made me sad. 

and then my friends, and their ridiculous adventures with me. they'd been through thick and thin with me, especially at my lowest point in my life a few years ago, and i'd take their photos, because they made me happy, and guess what? they never saw the photos! why? because they're sitting somewhere in my computer, buried in piles of files that i'm afraid to look because there's 2000 of them and where has the time gone?

and then my parents? my poor mother has to make appointments when she wants to go out with me, when she's visiting, because... because i'm trying to live my life, trying to balance this job thing with living thing, and her pictures at the sunflower fields last summer? somewhere in my computer.

all these people. all these connections. tied. to pictures. there are people going on, living their lives, and all i really can do, show them my gratitude, is by giving them my pictures. their pictures... that was sitting in my computer.

this was my epiphany.  i'm not a giver. i'm a disgrace.

i've been looking for the meaning in my life for so long. looking for it everywhere. and all along, it was right there.

i don't have much to give. i own nothing really, and i'm fine with that. because my heart is already full with having so much already, its enough. i probably will not amount to being a Picasso one day as I had envisioned, nor will i leave behind any startling legacy like build some innovative app thats going to change humanity, nor will i give anyone an heir, and its...alright! but i do have a lot going for me. i have a skill. its something that i have found later in life, and i still have a chance to hone it, to craft it, and to use it to give, or MAKE something, because guess what, this skill is supposed to remind someone how they *felt* that certain day, or evoke memories that will give a lifetime of joy. and if i wasn't using it in a way that wasn't even being utilized for the people that really mattered, then really... what is life? what was my life worth? advertisements for clients? really? is that it?

this was my epiphany. i can make lasting impressions on people. with my skill. a skill that i love.

so for my nephew's birthday, and for all my beloved nephews and nieces birthday, i will make sure i do give back. that what i do give back is something that they will have even when they are older, and instead of feeling sorry for myself that i'm not in the pictures, i just have to wake up and remember that is what tripods and remotes are for (i mean, i do take selfies that way, jeez...) and for my friends that have been there with me in all my goofy and dark moments, i can't be there for you all the times with your memorable events but i can give you some of those memories and not have them sit in my computer! and for the woman that has given me life and is my sunshine, if i can't give you sunflowers, i'm essentially worthless so i will make sure i actually give you those memories in pictures and not have them in my computer either.

this was my epiphany.  this is my meaning for my life, and i'm going to own it.