on putting yourself out there

i watched the video below recently. 

the fact that i was probably experiencing pms that day did not help in reducing me to a pool or blathering tears!

there's quite nothing like reaching out, and touching someone... when you have nothing to lose.

i think it's sweeter when you know you have everything to lose, and you still do it anyways. 

 

i remember graduating fresh from uni, and feeling... no, KNOWING, that i was going to take over the world. it was mine to take. it was mine to love. it was mine to experience. having watched enough emotional dramas and movies, i knew there was going to a lot of challenges, but, given that i had my head permanently into the clouds until a couple of years ago, suffice to say i was totally fine with confronting any and all challenges.

 i remember coming to dubai, and thinking, ill stay here for a couple of months until i feel better, then i'll leave. i came with 2 suitcases, and i was adamant i would leave with those 2. i was adamant that i will not make the same mistake again, not open up to people like i used to, and be super cautious to not getting my heart broken again.

a little over 2 and a half years later, and i'm still here. and now i have enough contraption that would warrant a cargoload! aaargh!! i wish i could say they're all shoes and outfits, but unfortunately, they're mostly camera gear.

in all of that, i've had the opportunity to practically fling away any semblance of my financial/management/pharmaceutical career memories, all to settle in a most uncertain, chaotic, but ridiculously passionate and happy life opportunity where i get paid to take photos all day. 

in between, i've also had the opportunity to travel, and somewhere down the line, amidst all that while pursuing a passion-filled life, i've been blessed to make some beautiful memories with some fantastic friends.

as for the part about being super cautious about not getting my heart broken, well, i get rejected every day! there is no greater teacher of humility than experience and rejection when you start your own business, and potential clients do not translate to real clients. 

the whole point of  my solo journeys to thailand and spain was fuelled by my need to reach out, so i could learn to feel like me again. i had no goals, i just wanted to fly. i wanted to feel joy, and i also wanted to feel content in the sadness. i wanted to feel uplifted, but also remember that this sense of uplifting came from a sense of utter failure and helplessness.  

i feel like i've been training my whole life for this, even though i've only been doing that for the past 2 years. initially it feels so heavy.

but eventually, it feels like you're on the moon. the sense of weightlessness is mind-numbingly beautiful and liberating. let me tell you, when you have actively confronted your fears... and by active, i mean, spent money on doing such activities where you travel alone, actively gone out to say hello to someone with the knowledge that the person might not even bother and think you are a fool, you've only succeeded. you can only go up.

my definition of success? i just found out that i'll be presenting one of my projects at a show. almost 2 years from when i applied for it.   so, baby steps.

i can honestly say, i fail everyday. i laugh everyday, i cry all the time. i try to reach out and help people, and sometimes i put my nose where it doesn't belong. i try not to conform to standards, sometimes it works wonders with clients, and other times i end up making a huge ass of myself with my personal life. and you know what? it is awesome! you put yourself out there, and at least you know the answers. 

the best part in all of this? i'm not uncertain anymore. you can cry, laugh, confront your fear or hide from it, but in the end, you just have to learn to let it go. it's such a crazy ride, to just want to reach out and put yourself out there for what you believe in, but there's no greater feeling out there when you realize that it's made you free.