on disappearing

i haven't written in so long. it feels like i've abandoned an old friend.

i miss writing. i wish i had never stopped. i met some of my bestest friends through my words. there is something really beautiful about putting everything out there, and people getting to know you and falling in love with you with your words. 

the need to write stemmed from my need of verbally regurgitating everything i wanted to express when i was super excited about things. somehow i came across as less of a klutz and more of a sophisticated person when i put my words into long expressive essays.

after i stopped writing, i found photography to be a great substitute.

a few months ago, i felt like i couldn't even do that anymore.

i wanted to not talk to anyone. anymore. about anything. just ctrl+alt+del my life.

i'm not sure why. so i deactivated the one thing that people use these days to talk to you... facebook.

i didn't miss it. i felt so free. no more social norms to put up with. i could do anything. i could be me again.

i was motivated to make pictures for myself again. i did.

however, i found out that i also became a social pariah. people got married. engaged. had babies. someone died. someone left. and i was clueless about it. friends told me and kept up with me. but some i missed out. in hindsight, not everything was bad. i didn't *have to* know everything about everyone. the world did not come to an end.

i activated my facebook again last night. i was with my friends. i missed seeing them. i missed their stories. 

its a different kind of loneliness this time around though.

i missed human connection. i remember crying about it in my post 2 years ago during my trip to spain. that feeling came back. so i deactivated my facebook because i wanted to connect with people on a humanistic level. meet people the old-fashioned way. leave things to chances.  whats not beautiful about uncertainty?  face-to-face. not the back of your phone. and if they can't do that, thats ok, i'll move on. life is so short.  i also deactivated because i wanted to connect with myself again. im happy to note that after being lost for a while, i have found myself again. but like a typical libra, i am unable to balance this delicate game of being there and not always being present.

i still want to disappear. is that bad? and then when it's ok, i'm ready to come back. but that is a childish thing to do, is it not? why should i disappear? is that not the same thing as running away? when has that solved anything at all?

"I could disappear from the face of the earth, and the world would go on moving without the slightest twinge. Things were tremendously complicated, to be sure, but one thing was clear: no one needed me." -Haruki Murakami,  The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle

"I could disappear from the face of the earth, and the world would go on moving without the slightest twinge. Things were tremendously complicated, to be sure, but one thing was clear: no one needed me."

-Haruki Murakami,  The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle

i don't know what it is i'm looking for. i'd love to just look at someone's eyes, and not have to explain anything. i'd love to embrace this beautiful, albeit fragile uncertainty and laugh with it like an old friend.  just like the novel, i'd love to see that the disappearing act is more than just a chance event.