on feelings and other tangled illusions

I was reading this article today, which finally.. finally.. after 3 long months, made me want to write.

In a nutshell, Khalid Hosseini (an author who really moved me with his words) explains that even he, a man who sold 38 million copies of his books, has limitations in truly expressing the written word. One of his favourite passages are from one of Stephen King's novels:

"The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them - words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemy would love to steal away."

Now, I'm not a writer, and nor do I think I can sell 38 million copies.. (wellll, never say never..), but I kinda get what he's saying. 

My lack of desire to write, or to take photographs lately, stems from the same desire (.. or lack of it)... of just trying to figure it all out.

I feel like I've been in this stage forever. When I used to write, I was lost, helpless, but.. happy, and chugging through life with my myriads of adventures. Now that I take photos, I feel like I'm in the same conundrum, still trying to figure out what this is all about. Except now I think a lot more.

I miss doing stupid things. I still remember the thrill from jumping from a mini cliff into the warm waters of the Ottawa River when I went whitewater rafting (i can't swim to save my life). I miss just picking up the phone and calling your crush and asking him out for a movie date. I miss the thrill of being a blissful idiot, a title I was truly proud of being, as in the example when I walked into a laser eye clinic one day to get my eyes fixed without any research or fear, all by myself.  

If you ever want to know the meaning of life - my answer to truly living a selfless, happy life - start looking at the world with child-like eyes. And instead of looking at the memories gone by as days you can never get back, start looking at them as lessons.

I love being a child. I know I am truly blessed that people even mistake me for a young adult! I do wish though, that my immaturity would take precedence on melancholic days when I feel like I am better off living in a desolate island away from all human life.

I attract the best kind when I am deliriously happy for no reason. My art makes me happy. And, like everything else in life, when you are truly truly happy, you attract someone who can't wait to be around you. 

And therein lies the crux of the problem, because like everything in life, they never stay. I used to think this was just a temporary state of being, but now I am starting to realize that maybe it's just my fate. Maybe this is how it's supposed to be.

So sometimes all the hurt can really take its toll. You can only write so much, until the cup runneth over. You can only make images so much, until you feel you have to start putting on a filter so people don't think there is something wrong with you. And it's not even past stories or broken dreams that dwarf your visions. The fact of the matter is, you find yourself completely broken. And when you are broken, you are unable to make solid dreams. 

So you put on a filter. You stop talking about it. You catch yourself when you are about to say something. You limit your interactions with certain people. This becomes a catch 22, as people can only give what you give back. You start to understand what being an island is all about. The hurt seems less deep, because there is no one to penetrate that hurt in your litte island. And no, there's no boat. You start enjoying it. 

And then one day you wake up, and you realize, you are alone.  

Yes, everyone loves you. But, you are .. alone, which, I think, is the biggest fear that human beings may face. Let's face it, no one wants to be alone. It's like dying while you're still alive.  It is human nature to be with someone, even for a little while. 

Which brings us to the second conundrum. I'm not even sure I want to be with someone anymore. Ever.

It's not that I am hurting, or jaded, or bitter, or tired. After all that I have been through, I think.... it's enough.  A union or commitment is a beautiful thought. It keeps you warm. But, maybe it is for.. other people. Those that understand one other. Those that are not selfish. Those that are willing to fight for each other.  Those that love. I have a whole lot of love to give. But, maybe I'm meant to do that sporadically, for short bouts of time. Maybe it's not them anymore. Maybe its just me.

I've been having this constant battle for the last little while. As I get older, I am told that I need to find someone, because as a woman I cannot possibly stay single for the rest of my life. But the more I am away from it all, the more I realize that maybe this is what makes me happy. Because being happy equals to less hurt. And I'll take less hurt any day.

And I'm fine with this. I'm happy (Mom, I hope you're listening :D so please stop worrying!)  

This picture took me a while to make. I feel like with my never-ending zest for life, I'm always getting attached to 'something', but the 'something's' always unattainable, or the 'something' was a figment of my imagination, or the 'something' just wasn't meant for me in the first place.

At the same time, I wonder if maybe I should stop getting myself tangled up in all this mess. Except lately, I don't even wonder anymore. I just think, nah. I just want to live a happy and simple life.

It's a constant battle.  

It's unfortunate that it had to even come to a "battle". Maybe I am better off seeing things as a child when it's less complicated and everything is beautiful and innocent.

marriage of tangled illusions

marriage of tangled illusions

As per the Stephen King quote, the most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemy would love to steal away. 

I guess this is how I'd explain my lack of activity - my thoughts are all I have, and I just don't feel like disclosing the landmarks to my treasury. Except, at the same time, as an artist, that is really all you have and that you must express. And if you cannot display that, it would be tantamount to calling yourself a fraud. Hence, this inner conflict have given rise to this series entitled, "the battle with id".