on the truth about lies

i met someone the other day who said something that i've heard many times while living here in dubai: there must be something in the water here to make people so h****.

okay! 

i wish people would stop making assumptions.. isn't that supposed to be the mother of all fuck-ups?

in a way, i guess thats unavoidable. it's human nature to assume, which, inadvertently, leads to judging. i love how everyone says, no, i don't judge... but that seems to be one of the biggest lies in the history of mankind. i, for one, am known to judge. how can you not? thats like stating that you don't have an opinion. and we all know everyone's got those :-/ or it's like making a claim that you don't think, or care. 

i come across a lot of people like these lately. when once upon a time, i would've taken it to myself to set them straight with some verbal thrashing, or a mild judgement call in return, nowadays i feel my age has gotten the better of me. now i just roll my eyes, figure out if this is a battle that i'm keen to fight or put up with, wonder if this person is worth the time for me to make them see things from my perspective, and once all the factors are taken into consideration, i decide if i should fight the good fight, or just let it go.

more often that not, i realize.... no, i decide... i decide that it's just not worth it.  

so i let it go.  bygones. sometimes its a case of forgive and forget, and sometimes its a case of just forget.

but there are some things that are closer to my heart, when it comes to judgement calls. i'm this close to calling people on it. 

except then i remember that the most precious thing i own, besides my heart, is my integrity.  

and if i call someone on this, they might think i'm "crazy". and while i'm perfectly fine being labelled as crazy because that's the highest form of flattery to an artist, it's not a particularly attractive label if you're a single woman who is looking forward to spending her golden oldies with a houseful of stray cats.

as a single woman, who's looking for love in all the wrong places, sometimes i wish i was judged on a more positive level, to put it simply, by similar single men, when it comes to what i'm looking for in my life. i don't seem to have this problem with married friends, women friends, older people...because let's face it, they all feel sorry for us! 

i feel that sometimes the perspectives given to us are so screwed (pun not intended) or askew. just because i'm a woman, and i'm nice to you, (not to be mistaken for flirting), you assume i am a woman who is of a certain character (with flaws)...

truthful lies

....when the reality could not be farther from the truth. 

if only it were possible for me to show you. 

i'd love to meet someone one day, who will have a heart as big as the hole in mine.

i'd love to laugh with someone who will see me for everything i am, and still accept me for everything i am not.  

if only it were possible for you to see me.

but it's not. years of beliefs, sometimes doctrined and sometimes accumulated, guarantee that there will be assumptions made. 

and assumptions are the mother of all fuck-ups, are they not? 

so things will stay the same. i will do it. you will do it. we will all do it. no doubt, i will be just as bad as the rest. i will keep on assuming, i will keep on judging. until one day, i will decide that it's just not worth it anymore.

and then, i will let you go.

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 updated: the artwork above is from a mug that i had purchased during a trip. i tried to look up the piece online, to give due credit to the artist, and to ask permission. if you know of this piece, i would really appreciate it! 

the wings are from a prop of wings, with tweaking in photoshop to get the look that i wanted. 

for more behind the scenes, please have a look at my facebook page.  

on putting yourself out there

i watched the video below recently. 

the fact that i was probably experiencing pms that day did not help in reducing me to a pool or blathering tears!

there's quite nothing like reaching out, and touching someone... when you have nothing to lose.

i think it's sweeter when you know you have everything to lose, and you still do it anyways. 

i remember graduating fresh from uni, and feeling... no, KNOWING, that i was going to take over the world. it was mine to take. it was mine to love. it was mine to experience. having watched enough emotional dramas and movies, i knew there was going to a lot of challenges, but, given that i had my head permanently into the clouds until a couple of years ago, suffice to say i was totally fine with confronting any and all challenges.

 i remember coming to dubai, and thinking, ill stay here for a couple of months until i feel better, then i'll leave. i came with 2 suitcases, and i was adamant i would leave with those 2. i was adamant that i will not make the same mistake again, not open up to people like i used to, and be super cautious to not getting my heart broken again.

a little over 2 and a half years later, and i'm still here. and now i have enough contraption that would warrant a cargoload! aaargh!! i wish i could say they're all shoes and outfits, but unfortunately, they're mostly camera gear.

in all of that, i've had the opportunity to practically fling away any semblance of my financial/management/pharmaceutical career memories, all to settle in a most uncertain, chaotic, but ridiculously passionate and happy life opportunity where i get paid to take photos all day. 

in between, i've also had the opportunity to travel, and somewhere down the line, amidst all that while pursuing a passion-filled life, i've been blessed to make some beautiful memories with some fantastic friends.

as for the part about being super cautious about not getting my heart broken, well, i get rejected every day! there is no greater teacher of humility than experience and rejection when you start your own business, and potential clients do not translate to real clients. 

the whole point of  my solo journeys to thailand and spain was fuelled by my need to reach out, so i could learn to feel like me again. i had no goals, i just wanted to fly. i wanted to feel joy, and i also wanted to feel content in the sadness. i wanted to feel uplifted, but also remember that this sense of uplifting came from a sense of utter failure and helplessness.  

i feel like i've been training my whole life for this, even though i've only been doing that for the past 2 years. initially it feels so heavy.

but eventually, it feels like you're on the moon. the sense of weightlessness is mind-numbingly beautiful and liberating. let me tell you, when you have actively confronted your fears... and by active, i mean, spent money on doing such activities where you travel alone, actively gone out to say hello to someone with the knowledge that the person might not even bother and think you are a fool, you've only succeeded. you can only go up.

my definition of success? i just found out that i'll be presenting one of my projects at a show. almost 2 years from when i applied for it.   so, baby steps.

i can honestly say, i fail everyday. i laugh everyday, i cry all the time. i try to reach out and help people, and sometimes i put my nose where it doesn't belong. i try not to conform to standards, sometimes it works wonders with clients, and other times i end up making a huge ass of myself with my personal life. and you know what? it is awesome! you put yourself out there, and at least you know the answers. 

the best part in all of this? i'm not uncertain anymore. you can cry, laugh, confront your fear or hide from it, but in the end, you just have to learn to let it go. it's such a crazy ride, to just want to reach out and put yourself out there for what you believe in, but there's no greater feeling out there when you realize that it's made you free.

when life gives you lemons...

... throw that lemon back to the lemonhead that gave it to you. REALLY HARD!

today was a day of 180 degrees. 

i have been meaning to do a selfie, but that vision failed miserably today. 

since my camera was already on a tripod (FINALLY! AFTER A WEEK!! HALLELLUAH!!!), I decided why not just keep snapping? 

I had a red background, so time to do something different.

I had a few miniatures from my collection lying around. Enter scapegoats. 

This is a sample. It's not going to win any awards, but it'll do to lift my spirits!

You can find the rest in my miniatures series.

I am inspired by colours, continuously. In this case, I was motivated by the lemony-day that it was ;)